Damning Capsule Reviews

apartmenttherapy.com

2009-10-19T20:57:00.004-04:00

The only place where the headline "Inside the Marimekko Factory" warrants an exclamation point.

Topshop

2009-06-19T13:47:00.003-04:00

Topshop and I have very different ideas about "perfect poolside looks." Me: modest swimsuit. Topshop: Navajo-glitter fusion.

Dodge Magnum

2009-06-09T11:10:00.002-04:00

Sports hearse.

Port

2009-06-03T16:20:00.002-04:00

Pretentious liquid raisins.

The Audience at the Flight of the Conchords show at DAR, April 14, 2009

2009-04-14T09:57:00.004-04:00

Ah! I see you are back. Now, PLEASE SHUT UP.

Sarah Jessica Parker

2009-02-24T10:45:00.001-05:00

By far the cutest Mario Brother.

Guest post from Colin.

"Lost"

2009-02-19T11:26:00.005-05:00

How Lost seems to me now:
"Oh no. Someone, help. We have to come up with a way to make Locke dead...but NOT dead! Quick! CHRIST, COME UP WITH SOMETHING!!!"
"Magnetic pockets of energy?"
"YES."

"Just a Friend" by Biz Markie

2009-01-30T23:59:00.004-05:00

"I went to a gate to ask where was her dorm / This guy made me fill out a visitors form." Really? Rap lyrics should be about parties and dancing and fun and ladies. Not paperwork.

"Space Buddies"

2009-01-30T23:56:00.003-05:00

I'm sure these are good dogs. People, we need to remember these dogs did not write this movie nor choose to be in it. I'm sure people love them, and they did not even know they were on a set. They just thought people were being nice to them and got to wear fun suits. Do not blame these dogs!

"25 Random Things About Me" Meme on Facebook

2009-01-29T12:47:00.000-05:00

1 - 25: I love attention.

Stonyfield Farm fat-free key lime yogurt

2009-01-28T15:29:00.004-05:00

Lime-ish, thick, chemical milk.

FoodNetwork.com

2009-01-16T17:38:00.005-05:00

"This recipe is super duper simple, people! Just go to FoodNetwork.com, spend 11 minutes using their crappy new search engine and figuring out where the eff the recipes are, then spend another 15 minutes waiting for the goddamn pages to load. Once you have the recipe, it only takes 4 minutes to prepare. There's your 30 Minute Meal! YUM-O!"

Attending the Inaugural Festivities

2009-01-16T14:57:00.003-05:00

Ever tried to use a porta-potty while wearing a parka and long underwear? With 40,000 people in line behind you?

Chocolate Diamonds II

2009-01-11T23:24:00.002-05:00

These come out of my guinea pig. And I don't make TV commercials about it.

West Side Story Broadway Preview at DC's National Theater

2009-01-11T23:20:00.004-05:00

There's a place* for us**...
Somewhere...a place* for us**

* Broadway
** Everyone except the guy who played Tony

Goldfinger

2009-01-11T23:18:00.002-05:00

Golfinger! The man with the golden putt!

"Chocolate" Diamonds

2008-11-10T20:24:00.004-05:00

Crystal poops.

MTV Video Music Awards Choreography

2008-09-08T14:07:00.003-04:00

Enough with the sexy Thunderdome zombie dances.

"Shopgirl" (Film)

2008-09-02T22:27:00.002-04:00

Claire Danes shaves her legs two dozen times. Contemplatively.

Comcast DVR

2008-08-25T11:59:00.002-04:00

A TiVo programmed in BASIC.

Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremonies

2008-08-12T13:51:00.003-04:00

"Ladies and gentlemen. I, the president of the International Olympic Committee, come to you during this evening of spectacle and excitement, as I do every two years, to bring a grinding halt to the fun."

Mamma Mia!

2008-08-06T11:07:00.004-04:00

Tangerine -> French Horn -> Picnic Basket -> Handbag Full of Rainbows -> Mamma Mia!

Mia Michaels on "So You Think You Can Dance"

2008-07-28T11:03:00.002-04:00

Bench. Mattress. Door. What's next, Mia Michaels? Chimney sweeps on rooftops?

Cilantro

2008-07-09T10:08:00.001-04:00

Uppity.

Home Depot, Rhode Island Avenue

2008-06-26T16:11:00.003-04:00

Ideally, it should be possible to buy a gallon of paint in an environment less stressful than the Chicago Mercantile Exchange.

"The View"

2008-06-13T11:05:00.001-04:00

Pigs on banquettes.

Guest post by Gates.

"Signals" Offerings on SkyMall

2008-06-12T14:48:00.003-04:00

"Immortalize your special love with this personalized print of owls doin' it."

"Big Bang Theory"

2008-05-30T14:48:00.004-04:00

It seems to me that if you were going to cast a pretty lady for a comedy show, there would be a lady somewhere in LA that was either funny enough to justify not being all that pretty, or pretty enough to justify not being all that funny.

Really? No one?

"Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie

2008-05-30T14:22:00.002-04:00

All the art and subtlety of an 8th grade poetry homework assignment.

Diet Coke

2008-05-16T12:42:00.002-04:00

Nice Pete gets it right: it is false soda.

High-rise Living

2008-05-13T14:05:00.002-04:00

No matter how much you pay, you can still hear your neighbors flush.

Guest post from Joel

The Audience at the Flight of the Conchords Show at Lisner Auditorium, May 9, 2008, 10 pm

2008-05-12T11:26:00.005-04:00

If you want to shout things out during a show, might I recommend ComedySportz?

Honeydew melon

2008-05-06T13:03:00.001-04:00

You are the dreaded baby's breath of the fruit salad world.

Subway

2008-04-25T17:07:00.002-04:00

The principal medium of "sandwich artists" is apparently blandness.

Poetry

2008-04-25T17:00:00.004-04:00

It's impossible to tell if someone is a good poet because a) poetry is ridiculous, and b) one could die from not caring so hard.

Garrison Keillor

2008-04-21T17:07:00.002-04:00

Homespun yarn.

Whistling nostril breath.

Homespun yarn.

Home Buying

2008-04-21T17:04:00.003-04:00

Did you know that you're poor? Well, you are.

"Infinite Jest" by David Foster Wallace

2008-04-15T11:14:00.005-04:00

David Foster Wallace is never better than when holding shut the hot air vent in my guest room.

Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee

2008-04-14T16:13:00.004-04:00

A Tabletini: Take a table covered with 3 dozen martini glasses, each covered in googly eyes and plastic flowers. Fill each glass with vodka, melon liqueur, vanilla vodka, grenadine, store-bought pound cake, and cotton candy. Serve at a children's pool party.

Camping

2008-04-10T15:46:00.002-04:00

It is nature's fault that you are uncomfortable.

Monopoly

2008-04-09T16:07:00.001-04:00

Once you've picked out your gamepiece, the fun part is over.

Women's Magazines

2008-04-09T12:19:00.002-04:00

"You'll never be good enough. Also, you have too much body hair."

Willard Scott

2008-04-08T10:09:00.003-04:00

The specific swears needed to communicate my feelings about Willard Scott are inappropriate, even for the internet.

Hello Kitty Coffee Maker

2008-04-07T14:09:00.004-04:00

If you are old enough to be making and drinking your own coffee, Hello Kitty should not be a part of your decor.

"Lightning Crashes" by Live

2008-04-07T13:49:00.004-04:00

If your song is popularly known as "The Placenta Song," perhaps your lyrics could use some work.

The Rat in My House

2008-04-07T13:40:00.002-04:00

You are mistaken: the fireplace, sir, is not your personal toilet.

"Life of Pi" by Yann Martel

2008-04-04T13:19:00.001-04:00

"Monkeys and tigers and adventure and learning! The end. Epilogue: FUCK YOU, READER!"

"Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney

2008-04-04T13:16:00.001-04:00

One may only experience a completely wonderful Christmastime in a universe where this song was never written.

Capitol Hill Safeway

2008-04-04T12:27:00.005-04:00

"How wide should we make the aisles, Steve?" "Well, Don, the carts are about 28 inches wide." "I see. So...30 inches?" "That sounds good, Don."

Coffee

2008-04-04T12:12:00.002-04:00

Dirt in a cup.

Beer

2008-04-04T12:11:00.001-04:00

Liquid bread.

Not in a good way.

As if that would be possible.

"A Baby Story" TLC

2008-04-04T11:37:00.002-04:00

"I'm the only person who has ever had a baby. I have a fantastic idea: the nursery shall feature...ducklings!"

Killeen, Texas

2008-04-04T11:32:00.001-04:00

Marriage counselor, bail bondsman, foodstamps place, discount baby food, bail bondsman, bail bondsman, marriage counselor, church, discount grocery. The fact that there are no liquor stores somehow makes this even more depressing.

March Madness

2008-04-04T11:30:00.001-04:00

You might think you know how sporting events will turn out, but it seems that you don't. No matter how much you talk about it, you're still going to be wrong. The person who is going to win the money picked teams based on outfit colors or something equally stupid.

"My Super Ex-Girlfriend"

2008-04-04T11:28:00.002-04:00

The superpower of this movie is making Eddie Izzard boring and unfunny.

Cafe Atlantico

2008-04-04T11:25:00.002-04:00

"Hello! Would you like to eat my thesis? I've prepared liverwurst petits-fours and had them hidden about the restaurant by a monkey in a beret. Delicious food is for simpletons. I want my diners to be challenged, and to walk away hungry if possible. And...good luck! Go!" (Thanks to Colin.)

"Dogs of Babel" by Carolyn Parkhurst

2008-04-04T11:23:00.002-04:00

Note to character: If the lady you want to marry spends a lot of time making artistic masks, she probably has mental health issues. Also, not enough detail on cuteness of dogs.

"The Corrections" by Jonathan Franzen

2008-04-04T11:22:00.001-04:00

What a bunch of unlikable twats.

"She's Come Undone" by Wally Lamb

2008-04-04T11:21:00.001-04:00

It's like Wally Lamb went to a women's shelter and picked up every single pamphlet about bad things that can happen to a woman, and then based his character and plot on fitting every pamphlet in.